Work in Progress...

     I agree with John Gottman completely when he said that marriage has a better foundation when founded on friendship.  However, my husband and I did it backward.  We fell in love, and then started asking questions like "What's your favorite color?"  "Where were you born?"  "How many siblings do you have?" OK, not quite that bad.  But, there was a lot that we did not know about each other. As we have studied the four horsemen, I can see how they could enter into any marriage, because the closeness in marriage sometimes varies. And who has not had a disagreement in their marriage?  My favorite plaque says, "A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refused to give up on each another" After all, who's perfect?

  I have found when I am down on myself, I am more critical of my husband. I tend to look for his imperfections because I was so aware of mine! Sometimes, I was a little witchy...

Even though I know that he is the one I should turn to, I don't always do it.          

     The first horseman opens the door with criticism, we get a little snippy about the things that each other does.

  This happened with us because we didn't know each other that well!  It has also been pointed out that before you 

are married, you are so attracted to each other with a giddy, euphoric love. After marriage, that subsides and we 

are left to build on the strengths that we find.  The 2nd horseman sometimes enters into our marriage when we 

are angry or annoyed with each other. Contempt is an awful emotion and I believe it can destroy a marriage very 

quickly.  I think you can defend yourself against criticism, but contempt is a low form of disrespect. A marriage 

has to be built upon mutual respect.   The second horseman, contempt, also surfaces when I get jealous!   (Yes, 

jealousy, that old green monster sometimes raises his ugly head in my marriage.)  I loved in Linda K. Burton's 

talk in April Conference when she said, "Marriage is to complete one another, not to compete with one another.

     The 3rd horseman was in my life because after being critical of someone, if they criticize back, we get 

defensive. I think in our marriage we dealt with criticism two ways. Either we tried to explain why we did what 

we did, or we get angry back.  More often it is the latter. I feel like everyone else is sometimes on our case, so to 

have our spouse criticize us is sometimes the last straw.

     But, I will say, my most favorite horseman is stonewalling!  I am not sure if this is a learned defense from what 

I saw my parents do, or simply just my "fight or flight" mechanism, but I seem to withdraw if we get in an 

argument.  I am doing much better after studying these classes, and we are more willing to talk things out.  It is a 

work in progress. But, I will tell you...."wild horses (horsemen) could not drag me away" from my marriage.